This evening I find myself on the completely opposite end of the spectrum than I was last night; not only in terms of my mood but also with writing. I was continuously prompting myself to keep writing last night, but tonight I begged myself to walk straight past my laptop, and into bed to get the sleep I am in desperate need of. I just need to get these thoughts out and my only sense of relief is that I now have a place to do it, right here.
I am so tired.
I do not mean in the terms that most of the population would hear. That scenario sounds quite pleasant compared to this, being utterly exhausted from normal physical activities of a long day… No, I am tired of being bipolar. I am tired of not feeling like the parent I know I can be. I am tired of waking up feeling like one person, and then going to sleep feeling like another. I am just tired. I really do mean it when I say I want to conquer my illness with a positive mind, I still can’t help but wonder… Will these lows ever stop feeling so low?
I am in four [difficult] college classes and only have seven days left of the semester, seven. I have multiple papers to write, exams to study for, and a decent shot at getting good grades- but the only thing I want to do is sleep so I can get out of my own head. I can’t focus on a thing, I simply feel like I, myself, am a void and have no problem blowing off everything and anything lately because there is no energy to be spent, negative or positive.
I have just recently been prescribed an increase in medication and have noticed a big difference so far. Again, along with the many environmental adjustments I’ve made to control my personal triggers. Maybe that’s what makes this whole experience that much more torturous; I feel like I’m SO close to having a taste, just a taste, of a balanced mind and then this dull, depressive cloud never ceases to make an appearance at one point or another. Although I will say, the manic days and depressive days are a lot less intense than they once were…
Simply (and sadly) put, it’s sheer hell on earth feeling like I’m being taunted by my own potential, watching as deadlines pass, allowing great ideas to fade, all because I’m in this state of auto-pilot. Even on nights like this, I really do hear that voice in the very back of my mind telling me that it’s going to be okay. I just need to get better at listening.
My heart and energy goes out to any of you who are feeling the same, better, or worse. Any state though, tomorrow is a new day.