So it Continues: Today Was a Bad Day

This evening I find myself on the completely opposite end of the spectrum than I was last night; not only in terms of my mood but also with writing. I was continuously prompting myself to keep writing last night, but tonight I begged myself to walk straight past my laptop, and into bed to get the sleep I am in desperate need of. I just need to get these thoughts out and my only sense of relief is that I now have a place to do it, right here.

I am so tired.

I do not mean in the terms that most of the population would hear. That scenario sounds quite pleasant compared to this, being utterly exhausted from normal physical activities of a long day… No, I am tired of being bipolar. I am tired of not feeling like the parent I know I can be. I am tired of waking up feeling like one person, and then going to sleep feeling like another. I am just tired. I really do mean it when I say I want to conquer my illness with a positive mind, I still can’t help but wonder… Will these lows ever stop feeling so low?

I am in four [difficult] college classes and only have seven days left of the semester, seven.  I have multiple papers to write, exams to study for, and a decent shot at getting good grades- but the only thing I want to do is sleep so I can get out of my own head. I can’t focus on a thing, I simply feel like I, myself, am a void and have no problem blowing off everything and anything lately because there is no energy to be spent, negative or positive.

I have just recently been prescribed an increase in medication and have noticed a big difference so far. Again, along with the many environmental adjustments I’ve made to control my personal triggers. Maybe that’s what makes this whole experience that much more torturous; I feel like I’m SO close to having a taste, just a taste, of a balanced mind and then this dull, depressive cloud never ceases to make an appearance at one point or another. Although I will say, the manic days and depressive days are a lot less intense than they once were…

Simply (and sadly) put, it’s sheer hell on earth feeling like I’m being taunted by my own potential, watching as deadlines pass, allowing great ideas to fade, all because I’m in this state of auto-pilot. Even on nights like this, I really do hear that voice in the very back of my mind telling me that it’s going to be okay. I just need to get better at listening.

My heart and energy goes out to any of you who are feeling the same, better, or worse. Any state though, tomorrow is a new day.

Until Then,

-A

Living with Bipolar: You Are Not Alone

One of the many reasons that I wanted to start this page was because of my own experiences reading other blogs. And what’s funny is that I didn’t even intend on ending up on a blog, or even reading any personal input at that. I would always start by simply Googling about the illness of bipolar.

You get my drift. The point I’m trying to get across is that nothing is worse than feeling like you are walking this confusing, and at time tortuous, path alone. You can have conversation after conversation with people who you know have endless love for you, but at the end of the day, no words can truly comfort you, unless they’re coming from a place of experience. So that’s what would always lead me to the internet.

I’d start doing searches about how I can reconstruct life on my own. And as much as the medical, clinical, and therapeutic advice did help (including from my personal therapist and psychiatrist), nothing would compare to ending up on someone’s personal page who simply had this message: I know what you are going through and you are not alone. And most importantly, it is going to be okay. Those are the only words that would make the tears stop streaming down my face, allow me to take a deep breath, and think about how I am going to get through this.

This thinking would lead to real (and effective) pep talks with myself: I will learn to deal with this. I will find other people who understand what it’s like to live with this and not feel the need to hide what’s going on inside the depths of my mind. The most important thing to take from this illness is this: there is nothing wrong with us, our brain’s chemistry is simply different than others. Although there is no cure, we have to stop comparing ourselves to people who are not up against the same enemy and adopt the positive thinking that will ultimately change everything once we master it. We can get through this, and will.

Even if I tried, I couldn’t put a number on the hours upon hours of research & trail and error that I have done in attempts to construct my life just the way I know it can, and will, be. I’m not a professional. I don’t have a Ph.D, but I do have passion; and I have a lot of it.

I have made changes in my daily routine in the last few months that have made more of a difference than all attempts combined in the previous years of my life. I’m going to post a detailed list on these changes, as I hope it can help someone the way it has me. I will also share my own research of medications I am trying/have tried, as well as natural and habitual strategies that I’ve found to be successful or not. Anyone who deals with bipolar knows that one minute you feel like you can conquer the world, the next you feel like you’re underneath it. My goal is to learn how to harness that positive energy for when the euphoric highs turn into those desolate lows.

I am not sure if my blog will even reach anyone, but if I can play a role of any positive light in someone’s dark thinking, or even comfort someone just through sharing details of my own dark days, I will have more of a sense of fulfillment than any other success in life could possibly bring me.

Very Best,

-A

First Blog Post: I’m Just Going to Jump Right In.

The First of Many Hellos

I have been debating blogging for years, but have never mustered up the courage to do it. While I sit in a Starbucks, I ponder how to make a sufficient introduction to this completely foreign world.

As I look around the coffee shop, I see so many faces engulfed in their computers. Some students, some professionals, but where do their minds lie? I’m a young, fit woman in a gym outfit and university sweatshirt on, surrounded by business textbooks. You would never think I’m contemplating pouring my heart out to what could be countless strangers. Yet, I have never felt more at ease.

I have been trying to get myself to start journaling in some form, not out of personal interest, but necessity rather. I have had a lot of trauma in life and am just now finding the courage to deal with what I’ve been through. It sounds like a terrifying, vulnerable move to type out my life’s details on a public blog (not saying many will end up on my page or that I will actually write to the depth that I want to), but I can’t help but be entranced by the idea of expressing my deepest, darkest fears and thoughts with complete anonymity if I choose.

I have much, much more to say… But I want to write out my thoughts with the utmost passion as they enter my head, not simply for the quality of my blog but for the sanity of my being. That is one important fact about this author, I am a manic-depressive twenty-three year old. Although a recent discovery about myself, it has not been an easy pill to swallow, metaphorically & literally speaking. I hope to gain insight from other bloggers on their life experiences, as well as shed light to others through my own.

Until next time,

-A